i don't know what the FUCK is going on anymore and i think i just want to be alone because i'm terrified that i'm gonna get attached to someone, to a way of life, then come back and find that that way of life won't work or that that someone never cared.

fuck fuck fuck.

so i holed up in the room all day, and talked to you every once in awhile over aim, and wished that i could talk to you like i really wanted to. but the problem is that i really don't know what to say or how i feel and so the words come out all jumbled, a pile of leaves in the fall that i've kicked into the air and i'm blowing away like one of those leaves, lost somewhere and buried in the flow of my own conversation.

look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

i'm confused and i feel nothing. well, not quite. i feel as though i'm trying not to feel. trying not to be vulnerable. and caleb, you were right. more so than you think. i was vulnerable after drew. he broke my heart on sunday, and by thursday i was asleep in your arms. did i do what i did because i genuinely like you? did i do it because i wanted to punish drew somehow? hurt him like he'd stabbed me through the heart?

today i thought of calling him, imagined him picking up the other end of the line and me simply saying hey, want my zim tape? oh, by the way, i spent valentine's with someone new. and i felt awful.

so i stayed here almost all day. hardly left the room at all. just thought and chainsmoked and so fucking much for quitting.

i wish i could just find what i want. i just want someone right now that i can pretend with for awhile. i don't trust people. i don't put blind faith in anyone. i don't believe you when your eyes say something that your mouth never did. not really, anyway. you never really answered that question, did you?

so i've been looking out the window a lot lately at all the normal people out there. the ones that don't use and abuse people. the ones that aren't anything like me. i wish i was them. they seem so happy. i can't know that from the outside. we all have our dirty little secrets. oh yes, we do.

if my secret was an animal, a black widow spider it would be.