is that really too much to ask? understanding? you say you'll do something with me when you get back to ames, yet you're off watching a movie with someone else while i sit here alone and bored.

i could be with you.

i'm so alone. how did i fuck everything up? i don't have to be alone if i don't want to be. i could go hang out with casey, or with john, or go crash your little movie party. theoretically. i could just get in the car and drive as far as i can on a fourth of a tank of gas. but i think what's likely going to happen is meg is going to get off work in an hour, then we're going to go drink. yes. drink. again. though i told myself i wouldn't drink five days in a row.

i am falling i am fading i am drowning. help me to be.

but for some reason, i'm generally content. lonely, but content. i have a few cigs, i had nat to talk to today, i have john telling me to eat and to take my happy pills, i have all these things going okay.

maybe i won't be so fucked up anymore.