i wrote a letter to ryan today. gave him back my ring too. it hurt so much to do it, but it was killing me to look at it every day. i ducttaped the ring to the letter and drove to des moines, visited tiffany and little baby katrina (who is quite possibly the cutest kid ever), drove around awhile and finally got the courage to drive to craig's where they were having band practice and put it on the drivers seat of his car.i told him everything in that letter. how i feel. why i think i did the things i did. how much it's killing me to be without him. i love him so much and he will always be my only true love.
god i miss you.
i cried all the way from johnston through ankeny, listening to the music i never would have heard of if he hadn't been in my life.
everything reminds me of him this evening. this room. my hands. my clothes. the posters on my walls. school.
i thought about the night before i went away to school, how we'd sat there and cried together because we were so scared we wouldn't make it through.
we were right.
i don't sleep anymore, really. or eat. i don't fit in anywhere anymore, i don't belong, i can't be human anymore because you still have my heart.
he meant the world to me and i took it for granted and fucked it all up and now i'll never get that back.
i told myself that i'd wear that ring until i'd lost all hope of being with you again, ryan.
but i just couldn't bear it anymore. and yet i feel so naked without it.
i'm crying.
i loved him so much. still do love him. i will always love him. because that's what true love is. you carry that flame, that spark, forever.
my heart is locked and sealed tight and you're the only one who could reopen it. and you won't.
i wish on the stars every night to fix this. i'd give anything.