nice entry, dear.

waaaaaaaaaaaaay to be friendly. though i bet you'd been drinking when you wrote that so i suppose you're forgiven.

i am incapable of starting new relationships.

i try. i really do.

but i compare every single guy to ryan and no one measures up and i realize that i'm still so in love with him, that i always will be. that i fucked up so much that he never wants to see me again. and i look around and i see some of my friends making the same mistakes i did. some of us learn that fucking around isn't right. i was scared that he wasn't the absolute right person for me, i wasn't sure if i wanted to be with him forever. and i messed around behind his back, and i lost him. and it's only now that i'm without him that i realize that he was the right person. he's the person that i'm going to compare everyone to forever. in one semester's time i've doomed myself to be single for life because i know i lost the one person that i will ever be able to truly say that i was and am and always will be in love with. i hurt him and i hurt our relationship and he never wants to see me again. and i think tonight might be johnston's prom and i can't stand the thought of him being there with another girl. does he look back on what we had and see only the bad times? the fights, the last time we spoke? does he only remember the times that i seemed distant and cold? the times i lied? when i look back i remember those times. but i remember too the times we just laid on his sofa and held each other. the times that we laughed together. i remember the night i left for college when we cried together because we were afraid we wouldn't make it through. i remember the kisses. the first time we kissed. the first night we went out together, him and jayson and me. i remember the most perfect day in the world with him. i remember going camping together. i remember all the times we drove around screaming out the car windows. i remember going to shows and having his arms around me. i remember going to warped tour together. i remember all the times i was there to see him play shows, how i'd always run up on stage after they played and help with things and kiss him while he was sweaty because i didn't care because i loved him. i remember everything.

i remember it all.

i remember, and i cry.

because i'll never get that back.

i've lost him forever.

my life isn't worth it.