last night i came closer to comitting suicide than i have in a long time.

driving around in my car alone. listening to the once.lost.pictures cd and thinking of how goddamn lonely i really am. i don't let it show. and i'm sorry guys. i really don't tell you how i'm feeling a lot of the time. i know i seem like a generally happy person but the truth is, i'm really not.

i feel as though my future is worth nothing without ryan. i have no future. all i have is a past that haunts me and the promise of being alone for the rest of my life. it's not that i couldn't concievably find someone to love me. it's that i don't think i'm capable of ever giving my heart to anyone ever again.

i don't want to feel like this anymore.

i thought of how easy it would be to just run my car off the road into a telephone pole at 80 miles per hour. how easily i'd draw my last breath and go on to the last truly great adventure. how easy it would be to down fourty or fifty pills and lay down to sleep forever.

i'm afraid of what i might do. i don't want to be alone. i'm so lost without him. i'd give anything if someone could teach me how to forget. if someone could teach me how to love again. i'd give anything if that someone was ryan.

i love him so much and it's eating me up inside how many times i hurt him because i was stupid. because i was afraid of being tied down. because i thought i was too young.