i shouldn't. i should be happy. i should be looking forward to where my life is going.

but i'm not. and i can't.

i feel so damn lost.

like i lost the thing in my life that meant the most to me and now everything's just going through the motions of living and i can't handle that.

i'm so fucking lonely.

i want someone to hold me and take it away. i want someone i can be silly with. that i can talk about books with. that i can drag out on random missions at random times and not feel like they're fucking dead weight.

and i think i find someone who fits that description and something inevitably goes wrong within a week and i'm left alone again and i can't take this, i hurt so fucking much and i just need someone to be there and no one fucking is and i went outside today and sat in the grass by the campinille and watched the pretty people go by. how i wished i was one of them...

how i wished i could trade for their lives...

i hate myself and i want to die and there's no reason. sleeplessness, perhaps. but i can't sleep. i lie on the futon clutching the teddy bear i pulled out of my closet today and my eyes don't close. sleep cannot come.

i'm so afraid that i mean nothing. that all this means nothing. i'm lying to myself and telling myself that i'm okay. that i can function like this. all while i've watched myself get farther and farther from everything and everyone i've ever loved.