fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i'm never going to be okay.

i'm never going to find anyone who i care about that will be able to stay in my life. that i'll be able to say with honesty that they fucking complete me.

i've lost so fucking much and i find other things only to lose them too.

this cannot be how my life is supposed to be lived.

i didn't want to fucking care.

i didn't want to fucking do this to myself again. i don't want to do this to him. i have to not care because none of this matters. the worst fucking timing in the goddamn world and i can't change anything.

except sit here and think of what could have been if things were different.

maybe it wouldn't work. maybe we'd both end up being too damn neurotic. maybe you'd never really care.

i shouldn't be bent out of shape over this. but i am so goddamn lonely and you've been the lone light spot in the longest time.

and you sign off without so much as a goodbye.