rah.

this day is getting me down. i want to cry and i can't.

i'm so sorry. for everything i did. for everything i feel like doing. for drinking, and smoking, and being the person you never wanted me to be. for being the first person to break your heart. i didn't mean to jade you. i didn't meant to make you cry. and as the tears start to leak out of my eyes and onto my keyboard, know that i miss you.

know that i didn't want to fuck this up. i'm sick. and i can't control myself. i don't know how to say no. i don't know how to be a good girlfriend. i don't know how not to hurt people. you didn't deserve this. you didn't deserve to suffer through all the shit i put you through. you deserve so much better than me. and it kills me that i couldn't give you that.

i loved you. i still love you. i can't be like this. i don't want to be like this. i want to call you and beg you to take me back. to at least know that you still love me.

i didn't ever lie to you about loving you.

i just hope you know that. you'll always be a piece of my life that i look back on and cry over.

i fucked up.

i still want to be with you. and i know it's not a good time to be with you right now, and i understand that. maybe some day, we'll both grow up.

i hope i do.