on one hand, there's you, someone who's path has crossed mine mostly without remembered incident a few times...in the other, the knowledge that i shouldn't do this to myself so soon. i shouldn't set myself up to get hurt again. i shouldn't let myself do this. but it's the first time in a long time that i actually am interested in really going out with someone as opposed to using them and dumping them, or being used and getting my heart broken.

i've been a heartless, horrible person.

and i realized that i was.

i'm sick of that. i want to have a real, functional relationship with another human being. i'm through breaking hearts just because i can. i don't like playing the games i've played in the past. i never won anyway.

and so i walk, head bowed and it's spring, finally and i'm thinking of all i haven't been in the past and all i could someday be...and all i want is someone there, someone to hold, and to hold me in return, through all of it.

i hope this week goes well.

-------

sitting here, i remember words on a screen and how i once made the mistake of falling for someone's fictions about him and i. will this time be something else? will it be nothing at all? am i fooling myself thinking anything about it?