the scene: a drizzly early evening standing on university avenue outside of hairy mary's. i stand alone outside in my mint green jacket, shivering and clutching my cigarette clumsily. when suddenly through the crowd i see jayson. my old best friend. and the next thing i know, craig, my exboyfriend, his cousin andy, and jayson are all staring at me. giving me a look like why the fuck did you have the balls to show your fucking face here.

and i bite back the tears and smoke another cigarette and try to keep from shaking. try to hold myself still. try to squelch the memories of times now lost that well up in my mind. all the times we laughed together, how many nights we spent in craig's basment together, how many times i'd hugged them, how many injokes we'd shared...

and then i see ryan through the crowd. he's still so fucking beautiful and it hurts me to look at him. i love him so fucking much. i miss him so much, and it's all i can do to keep from dying right then.

i get inside and wander alone through the crowd, coming to rest leaning against one of the pillars in the center of the bar. every time i look up i see someone that i once knew. i see someone that at one point i would have run up to and hugged.

allyson came up and talked to me for a minute before the show. she said i looked sad and to not worry, that converge would fix everything.

i spent all of the bands except for converge alternating between crying and trying not to cry. i think about how easy it would be to take all the pills i have in my room when i get home. how i'd lay down and never bother another person again. i'd never hurt ryan again.

i'd never hurt like this anymore.

i think about writing my suicide note, what it would say, who i'd say goodbye to. to jayson. to danelle, limbo, hanna, jennie, megan, casey, mark, adam, everyone. tell them all that i love them. to ryan, tell him that i did it because i love him. because i can't stop loving him and it's killing me.

and then converge comes on.

and i bust shit up.

i let it out. all of it. i'm still in pain but i feel cleansed. i still hate myself and the things that i've done but i feel like my impending doom has been put off for another day.

and i see ryan through my movements and the flailing and the screaming and i cry as i scream and move among the bodies, i cry for everything, i cry because i am a part of something and not just a nameless body that attends the show, i am a part of the music and it flows through me and out of me and permeates my being until all i know is this moment.

and when it's over i walk out into the coolness of the evening and i don't feel cold, just the breeze and the drizzle washing over me and i feel new.